The end is near

To be perfectly honest I have no idea where I left off on my last post. But here's a little update and if I repeat myself I am very sorry...

I had a lot of anxiety a few months ago. It was like the end of college all over again. All I could see were all of these projects I had to finish all of these things that felt like there wasn't an end to that I would have to end. And on top of all of that I had to find a new job too with brand new gigantic overwhelming projects.

About a month ago I checked my Americorps calender and saw that on July 28th I would have completed my Americorps hours. I had gone to a career counselor at Montgomery County Community College who had told me how impressed she was with all of the experience that I had right out of college and helped me reformat my resume so that prospective employers would be able to see what she saw in me. Weeks went by though and I had no interviews and only a vague hint that the organization that I was serving my Americorps term with might hire me.

So after some convincing from my parents, my boyfriend's parents, a few friends, and one of my Americorps coordinators I finally approached my boss. I told him that I was going to be done with my hours soon and asked what would happen next. For some reason I couldn't get the actual words "are you really going to hire me?" out of my mouth. I didn't have to though. He asked what my plans were, and he asked if what I was doing now, with them, was something I would like to continue. I said yes. A little while later he came back and officially offered me a position. A permanent job.

So now with a few weeks left before I complete my hours this is where I am. Needless to say since my Americorps experience is ending so will this blog.  Look for my new blog though; the name is still in progress, Metro Girl perhaps?

Stay tuned for what I hope will be an interesting account of my daily travels from one end of one metro line to the other end of another metro line.

Thank you everyone for all of your support this past year, especially to my fellow Americorps members who not only offered their support in meetings but with my blog writing too. Hopefully my new blog builds some kind of following as well.

Shatterbox/Purpose Project

Last time I wrote I talked about how frusterated I was after watching the movie at our Americorps Meeting and how badly I wished I could be doing something. I want to go out and inspire change or help work to change.

Well today I received a link to a series of very inspiring videos. The web site is called Shatterbox.com and it was started about a year ago by a young woman who wanted to inspire... well people like me to do something they love and get involved. She is fulfilling this mission by asking people to post videos about their experiences working for an organization that they love. and then posting them on the Website. From the empty pages and apologies on some of the other pages its clear that the site as it exists currently is new or under a bit of construction. But it is clear that there are more things coming to shatterbox. There is a blog set up and entire community page filled with people who have posted videos and joined Shatterbox.

One of the people who joined organized something called the Purpose Project. His video describes this idea he had one day to put together the visions that all of the social change leaders had in the previous generations that are now reaching an age of retirement and use their stories to inspire the younger generations.

Its amazing to me how these stories can be so inspiring and motivational and at the same time so frusterating. Its refreshing, especially in light of so many things that I've realized about life and adulthood lately, that there are people out there who still want to inspire change. Not everyone is synical and willing to accept "how things are" or how people are. But how do I become like these people?

I guess this is a question I have been asking myself for a while now and its not a small question, I suppose, either.  Its just something that I want desperately.

Social Change

On Friday at our Americorps meeting we watched the documentary "Crips and Bloods:Made in America."

After spending four years working at the Innocence Institute with a boss that went to Kent State during the shootings, and then spent his post college days reporting on crime and interviewing gang members and mob men before starting the Innocecene Project, I was well aware of the views the people in these communities develop about their survival and possibilites in life. I'd heard it from the innmates I interviewed for cases and from my boss when he told stories about the interivews he'd done.

My work at the Innocence Institute ended almost a year ago and Ive been thinking for a few months now how much I miss doing the kind of work where I really felt like I was inspiring change and part of something that was making a difference in society.

Watching this movie and talking to other Americorps members after it ended really brought all of that out all over again. I want to go to those communities I want to be part of something that is helping these young kids see that there are other things they can do. They don't have to do what they're parents are doing or their neighbors are doing.(That was a comment one of the men in the movie made.) I want to help somehow, but I have no idea how to begin to organize something like that. Or where to go to get involved in helping these low income neighborhoods or families where drugs and guns are sold like ice cream is in my suburban neighborhood in Alexandria.

Now the question is where to begin?

Yesterday I put on my brand new dress and went to work. After work I went to Maggianos in DC to meet with professors from the Journalism departnment at my college and a few students who were visiting DC this weekend.

While I was at work I got compliments throughout the entire day. I know a normal person would have just taken the positive feedback as an ego boost and moved on. I couldn't though I was sure there must be something else going on. So when my boss complimented me I spoke up. I told him I couldn't tell how to take the compliments; that I wasn't sure if they were really that simple or if it was a way of suggesting something about my choice in clothing ( I was worried that my dress may have been viewed as inappropriate).

But after hearing this, my boss only told me that people  will often assume that a person must be going to a job interview if they are dressed up the way I was. At which point he then instructed me to never tell my employers if I was looking for a different job. But then the conversation took a new turn.

We sat down and talked about what I was going to do next. Was I looking for something after Americorps? Had I thought about it?  Of course I have. Not that I have come to any concrete conclusions after weeks-- months actually--of thinking.

Nothing we discussed was anything that I didnt already know was coming. He told me he wanted to put a position back in for a person to do communications. He told me I have been doing really well and he saw a lot of room for growth if I were able to continue on the path I were on...

So even though I have expected this conversation to occur, somehow having it actually happen felt different than I thought it would. I'm not quite sure how though.

When I got to dinner last night and spoke to my professors again and I listened as they talked about all of their lessons and my old classmates complained about how hard the professors were being on them.  Last night it all made sense. My degree from a small college in a small "big city", everything my professors had talked about, my year as an Americorps member...  Things happen for a reason and now I realize how much better off I am and how much experience Ive gained and will gain...

Try new things

One of the things that I've enjoyed the most about this experience is the opportunity Ive had to get involved with the other organizations and projects that people in Project CHANGE do.

Although I dont always like to admit it (and tend to argue with myself about it when asked by other people) I use my position in communications as a way to avoid social contact.  I am a writer. That is what I do and that is what I am good at. If I thought I were a good speaker I would have gone into broadcasting or lobbying. But through Americorps and my Project CHANGE program I have had the opportunity to throw myself into large groups of people that I didnt know and speak loudly and clearly about myself and topics relevant to the conversation. And what I found was that it wasn't that bad.

In Project CHANGE I am constantly surrounded by the opportunity to do different things I don't get to do as a communications associate. But what is really great about this arrangement is that I go and help my fellow Project CHANGE members at night and on the weekends but when Monday comes around I am back to doing what I've spent my whole life planning for. Writing. Its the perfect set up. and now I know that I can do these things. It's not scary. I am now able to do a variety of things and I'm better prepared for jobs... and life in general.

Education award

Last week two girls from an Americorps program in Baltimore came to our Project CHANGE meeting to explain how to use the education award and access the money once it is received.

My award is predestined to pay off my student loans. Granted my student loans are a little higher than the amount of the award but the award will definately be a big help in getting out of debt.  However, as I sat in the classroom listening to the other Americorps members discuss all of the ways they were planning on using their award, I found myself wanting to do more.

I considered doing another year of Americorps. Because, as I mentioned, my award needs to go to my loans.

One of the Americorps members mentioned using the award to enroll in a study abraod program, which I have been interested in doing for a while.  I have also considered going back to school and getting a masters... eventually. Both of which would require a lot of money that I dont see myself having anytime soon.

So although I desperately want to move out of my parents house, start supporting myself and start a more permanent position. Americorps and or another service program seems tempting now.

Long term intern?

I seem to keep hitting a wall. Almost daily I hit this "intern" wall. Even though I was told from the beginning that this position as an Americorps member should be treated like a real job I still seem to hit the wall. There are meetings that I'm not invited to even though it seems to be part of the department and applies to my position seemingly because of my position. When I am introduced I am introduced as one of the interns. My job is temporary, and I seem to be reminded of that a lot.

A few days ago my boss and I had a meeting. We talked about this perception of being only an intern and ways that I could remedy this. "Be proactive" he told me. Which I took to mean take more initiative. Then, he said, people will start to see me as more than just an intern. I will be part of the organization.

But now, almost simultaneously, I seem to be trying to remind myself. I am only an intern. Don't get too comfortable. . . This is only temporary employment.  


In my head there seems to be no way to win. I desperately want to be taken seriously in the organization but I seem to struggle constantly with how comfortable I want to get in the organization. Would it be leading the superiors on if they start to think of me as a long term employee and even consider me for a permanent position and then I turned it down? But what if I don't want to turn it down... I have no idea what I want within this capacity and in the next five months... Maybe I am an intern.